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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in axmanxtorn's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, November 18th, 2007
9:51 pm
I'm gonna Be a Father????
So after all these years since passing of Shanice it's finally come to fruition that I am going to be a father.WOW.Jennifer and I have been together for almost a year now and I truly do love her but after trying in past to have a child and failing I gave up on having one,but now she is 4 months pregnant and I can't be any happier.We been to the doctors regularly and everything is going good except for her blood pressure being high but they do have her on meds for it,thank God.We also went to do an ultra sound and the baby is doing fine and will be born on May 1st,which is my birthday how cool is that?Ever since finding out my life has been changing drastically.I been having worries such as am I going to be a good father,am I going to be able to support the baby and my family.will I know what to do for the baby?The other thing that I been working on doing is changing carrer paths because I need to do what I can for my family and that's what I been doing.There is a lot fear going into fatherhood,but I have to say one thing I'm glad it's happening now rather than when my life was in shambles.The way my life was before I couldn't even take care of myself let alone another person,especially a child but now my life has changed for the better.I'm holding a 40 hr job,raising a stepson,maintaining my bills including my car and I been with same woman for a year so I'm doing better than I have in long time.

Current Mood: happy
Friday, April 6th, 2007
8:58 am
These past few months of my life spent with Jenny and Jorge has been great.I've never been with someone who has been so dedicated to us as a family.Though there are times when we do bicker at eachother but I wouldnt trade them for anything.I also find it to be awesome that Jorge sees me as his stepdad.Jen's an awesome women and one thing I love about her is that she stands by her man.She also aint afraid to put me in my place when needed.One thing that sucks is that when anyone is sick I get sick as well so I been sick since Monday.Me and Jorge has been running 101-103.5 fevers.Poor Jenny has had to deal with us both being sick.Well whenver she's sick I baby her so I get babied when I'm sick too.I love having her lay next to me and keep me warm when I'm freezing and cant have any blankets on. Last night I was sick as a dog we had great sex but then I felt like I was having an asthma attack.Oh well.
Monday, March 26th, 2007
6:33 am
Men Do Stupid Things
I was watching Failure to Launch last night with Jenny and I realize us men do stupid things in relationships.We always met someone we want so bad that we'll do anything to get with them.We get with them and once it becomes serious we start sabotaging it.Why?Because once it's become so serious it's lost the fun in it,and us men are scared of commitment.So we fuck up.How do we end up getting married?Well ladies it's like this,yes we do love you but if we pull all our tricks out and use it on you and you stand by us no matter what,then guess what?We ain't going anywhere.I've done it in the past,I'm doing it now and Jenny has stood her ground throughout it all.So I guess I AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

Current Mood: amused
Monday, January 1st, 2007
1:42 am
What is it about me that people like to try to destroy me?I feel as though I'm losing that smile of mine.I allow myself to bring everyone's problems onto myself and what do I get in return????Stress,my body fallin apart,loosing sleep.I need to do what everyone that's dear to me says do and just take care of what's important to me.Kat did a big number on me to a point that makes it harder for me to trust ppl.How come my girlfriend puts herself in predicaments that doesn't help her but only hurts her?I'm not controlling but I get very pissed when after I strongly advise against something that my opinion doesn't matter.I love my girl and I don't want her to get hurt again.Am I in the wrong?I found out today that I'm to blame for how my mother is today because 6 years ago I had called doctors on my mother after she had scizophrenic attack.They want to have her locked in hospital.I can't live with that notion.I'm close to being sober for a year.In a few days it'll mark that one year anniversary.I never thought I'd make it.It's been rough.After all the hard work I've put in I should reward myself somehow or do something to celebrate,but without drugs.Thank you Rachel for always havin my back and all the extra care you gave me.Rachael thank you for all the loving support you give to me and just being urself,though you drive me nuts I love you.To my father I have wrote two poems for you fucker.
Holocaust of the Heart

love- A feeling of strong personal attachment induced by sympathetic understanding,or
by ties of kinship.
"Do you love me?"
Trembling.Hopeful.Scared.
A childish plea for care.
"Of course I love you"
Battering words, of kindness, saturated with insincerity. Battering fists defining love.
"You fucking kid, of course I FUCKING love you"
Fists pounding blood to the surface; squashing tears to the inner hurt- bellied away
Childhood lesson learned- never is it safe to ask for love; never is love given without asking, without earning.
Stupid Child asking.
Politely. Innocently. Shamelessly. Wanting a love that isn't deserved.
Absurd to request love not earned.
Acceptance not bestowed
on an unacceptable PAIN IN THE ASS
that can't do anything right.
Punishment severe for he who foolishly asks for what only
deserving people have by right- given freely to a good soul.
Battering fists only- for a bad little boy who dares to presume a
worthiness. Fucking bad little boy.
"Of course I care about you, God Damn It and I'll rape your heart and your
disgusting child body to prove it"
"Why can't anyone love me?Why do I have to be
so bad,so bad to be loved so much to deserve the punishment I receive".
Daddy Love Me!
Love Me!
Love Me!
Love To Fuck Me!!!!!
(hate me.i'm bad)

Speaking Out
I can't be quiet any longer
I need a voice.
Make the choice to let go.
Let go of pain,
terror, fear, betrayal, shame.
Let go of broken- hearted sobs that speak of childhood.
Child within me and from me,
tormented and torn away.
Let go of the critic that dwells inside,
remnant of cruel expectations.
Let go.LET GO!!!!!!!
Let go of me, FATHER
I HATE YOU.
I won't be quiet any longer.
I can LIVE without you.

Current Mood: drained
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
2:57 pm
accident prone
I once again did it to myself.I have always been accident prone and this time after playing tag with kis at work and running into a metal post I cracked my shoulder bone.I told the doc that it won't be the last time neither and he got a real kick out of it.It's true though every year I always hurt something.Anyway,I finally talked to my mother after 3 months of worrying about her and I'm going to Kansas next month to visit her after 6 yrs.What an emotional reunion?I have also been civil with Rachel lately and I hope it stays that way,we have both spent so much time and energy on eachother that we shouldn't be enemies.There's so much bullshit in the world as it is,so why be enemies with someone that has been there for you?She feels the same way.I just hope we can be friends,and I think after me going to counseling for a while I feel that we could.

Current Mood: peaceful
Thursday, October 19th, 2006
5:14 pm
i went to the dentists this morning and because of all the health problems i have,i have to now get antibiotic frrom dr.skeik,take 2 antibiotics,and a cleanser than i have to go back a cleaning of my gums in 2 weeks,and after that i have to go back and get my teeth thoroughly cleaned.god the pain hurts but it's my fault for not taking better care of my teeth.I also went to city hall to talk with code enforcement about problems with my apartment and at 2:30pm the officer will be there to report things and then my landlord has 30 days to do something about it or she will,about time something is being done.On halloween me and kat are going to get all dressed up and go clubbing so i can't wait for that.Lately I been thinking about people from my past and someone in particular because I know that without her Maine care she's in a world of hurt and I really would like to help her in anyway I can,but she hates my guts.She acts like I don't care about her but if I didn't then why would I be worried about her?

Current Mood: sick
Monday, October 16th, 2006
5:57 pm
people need to get a fuckin life for real!!!!!!!
well today i just checked my journal entries and it seems like rachel and mr.anonymous whoever the hell that is has written in my journal.i told her id stay out of her life and here she is writing me?what for?well anyways,i went to set up a dentist appointment because my teeth has been infected for a few days,ouch it fuckin hurts.kat has been awesome.we finally made love for the first time the other day and it was the best.i had my concerns how it might be but damn girl tu eres numero uno.we actually do more out of the bedroom and it's awesome to know someone like this.we went to the mall the other day and got us some new kicks,hats for the winter and jackets for the winter.saturday we went to the movies and saw texas chainsaw massacre and grudge 2.we had a very good day.i love waking up next to her in the morning.i love the way she looks at me with those baby blues,and the way we cuddle all night.it's incredible.i never thought id have someone love me the way she does,it's been a long time since ive had that and i love it.this week we should have comp at our house.love you hun.

Current Mood: happy
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
2:56 pm
who are your true friends?
I had called Rachel today to remind her to bring back library books and to see how she was doing.Granted we did have a falling out this past Sunday,but I saw no wrong in asking her how she was doing.I know she doesn't give a damn about me but I truly do care about her,that is why I asked and she once again went into the whole cold hearted bitch tirade like she always does.
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
12:52 pm
out of wit's end!!!!
Well,it's been a while since the last time I wrote anything and I think it's about time I do.After all,Rachel did make this account for me so why not use it?I took a test today for school and scored very high so I start on Friday.I'm so happy that I'm working and going to school.It's more than I have done for myself in years.It is around this time of year that I tend to get very sick,but I can't let anyone or anything come in my way of doing what I have to.Kat is an awesome person,she's had a rough past like I have and anyone can plainly see that she don't take no shit.She doesn't degrade me or hit me,she helps me around the house,she's starting school next Monday and starts working at ACS next Tuesday.It's nice to have someone that knows what she wants and is doing exactly that.Some people talk shit about her but like I say, the hell with them.It's also a nice feeling to know that I'm wanted and loved for real,and not hearing someone just say it and know that they do or not.I'm told I'm this and I'm that but people tend to forget that when noone was there I was.It hurts but it's okay.Even though Rachel may hate me and not want anything to do with me,I want her to know that I have always and will always be there for her and love her.Regardless of who or what.

Current Mood: crappy
Thursday, September 28th, 2006
5:53 pm
Sorry
I want to apologize for the hurt that I have caused someone I love. I have done serious damage to their heart, and this persons families hearts as well. I made some changes/choices that had an impact not only on my life but the lives of many others. I am sorry for that hurt that I have caused. I dont expect to be ever be forgiven, I just want to let them know that I hurt for hurting them. Yet, I couldnt be more scared of saying I am sorry.
I feel that once I do say those words maybe then there can be closure for all involved.She says it's okay but I know that she's not okay.I hurt her without even knowing that I was hurting her. Just maybe there will be solice in knowing that I having been hurting/suffering all along for my actions. I know this sounds twisted, I just feel that is the least I would be able to do now. I believe i jumped when I was scared, made myself believe that I made the right choices for things without thinking through all that can happen and all those that would hurt for choices that I made.To everyone that reads this I want you to know even though you may play around with someone and think it's funny,it may not be funny to the other person and in return you end up hurting them.To the one I hurt I want you to know that I'd never intentionally hurt you,you did nothing to deserve that and I am very sorry.

Current Mood: dirty
Monday, September 18th, 2006
2:58 pm
What the Fuck Eddie?
Once again I did it.Once again I pushed away the one thing that means more to me than anything.Why do I have to be so fucking stupid?Why do I have to be so quick to anger?Dad I hate you for installing this shit into me.It's a fucking curse.Well hopefully through counseling I'll get the help to go through it and change it.I am sorry for hurting you and flipping out on you like that.I don't want you out of my life.
Monday, September 11th, 2006
6:46 pm
WE WILL NEVER FORGET
To all that have lost someone that terrible day,and to all those who know someone in these countries fighting this war,my heart goes out to you all.I've lost a very good friend and family member that day.Manny I miss you.You are a hero to us.You gave your life to help others.You may be gone but never forgotten.That day is a day we will never forget.I was 5 blocks away working for one of my cousin's deli's and I was supposed to have delivered food in Tower 1 that morning but I was running late for some reason,when the plane hit I felt my mouth drop and heart tremble.I should not be here today writing this but for some reason I am.Today I thank God for looking down on me but I feel guilty at the same time,because so many families have lost thier dad's,mothers and I take it for granted.Well damn it I should be thankful and take the gift of life and do something about it.Krissy when you get there you do me a favor and make sure you do this NY style.

Current Mood: enraged
Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
10:29 am
Fuck This World
I hate this fucking world.I hate myself for allowing my heart to be destroyed.Rachel and I once again had a fight yesteray and it's because I love her so much that I put myself in positions where I am going to get hurt,just so that I can be there for her.She is totally out of control and it's not her fault,but it's so bad that she's hurting everyone around her.She was there for me so I feel the need to be there for her.Why does this have to happen?I just want to sleep and never wake up again.

Current Mood: bitchy
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
3:04 pm
Today is the 14th of August 2006,and it's been a crazy fucking day.Last night was another night I couldn't sleep so I had to take another 200 mg of my (best friend) seroquel and fell asleep finally.I had to take care of a few things but didn't get a chance to so I just went to the library and went to Rachel's house.It pisses me off because I had slept in when I had to take care of things for myself.Well there is always tommorrow so tonight I hope to fall asleep without taking anything,but I don't think that's possible.I am still seeing things that I went through as a child.When is it going to go away?Will it ever stop?Will I ever get better or will this follow me to my grave?Maybe I should take myself out of this fucking world.Why would I give someone else the pleasure of making my life pure hell?I should be the one who decides when I want to die.People have always said just be a better person and get your life in order,than your life will be grand.What a fucking crock of shit.I've had things in order for 6 months with doing what I was supposed to,but it didn't mean a fucking thing because look at where it got me;nowhere but fucking pain and torture.I realize that I can't put anyone higher than myself.I'm the only one that can make shit happen,not even my mother can fucking help me.The bitch wanted me to put her problems and sickness before myself.Fuck that.I've always put other people's problems before mine and it's not supposed to be that way.I'm at a crossroads in my life and I really don't have a fucking clue what to do in my life.There are so many fucking things I can do but it's up to 4 decisions where I want to be.I can move to Kansas and help my mother out,start my life over there,go see if I can do better there than anywhere else I've been.I can go to Bangor and definitely be happy.It could also help me because I can help myself out there.I can also decide to Stop running and stay in Lewiston.It's possible for me to get out of my rut here,but really can I deal with other hurt.The other thing I can do is decide to commit suicide and stop the fucking pain myself.I just have to decide which route I want to take and do something quick.Where will this take me Lord?God do you even hear me?
9:46 am
I'm going out of my fucking mind
I was with this girl for 11 months and at first I didn't think much of her,but somewhere along the line I fell deeply in love with her.I still do love her so damn much and it breaks my heart that I can't be with her because she wants to be with someone else.It also kills me because every time I'm around her it feels as though we're still seeing each other.Then I go home and realize that she's only keeping me around until the one she wants returns from war.Why do I allow myself to be hurt?Because unlike her I still love her.
Monday, August 14th, 2006
4:56 pm
Fuck You Mother
My mother wanted me to go to Kansas and have me neglect my problems so I can take care of her.Fuck that shit.I should know better by now though,she hasn't been there for me in 6 years so why start now?To her and most of my family members I'm the one with the fuckin problems.I'm not shit to them.Fuck you mother.
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
2:50 am
These are the things my mother has demanded of me if I choose to move to Kansas:

Attitude needs to change
I am the mother, you are the child
What I say goes
I will not tolerate any tone of voice
Need to get your stuff together
You will be out in the cold cuz I will not lose anything becuz of you
this is a God oppertunity
I will not help you again after this
This is the last straw so dont mess it up
Get act together
Enough of your abuse towards me
I will not take any shit from nobody
I promise I will send the ticket

And this is why right now I choose not to go because right now I dont feel as though I'm ready to be there for her. I need to work things out in my own life before I can deal with her. She knows how to manipulate me more than any person in my life ever did. Thank God Rachel has informed me that I have up till one year to use the bus ticket. That gives me enouigh time to get shit in my life together so I can be there for her. Things in Bangor seem better suited to my needs so once I'm able to get there I'm going.
Saturday, August 12th, 2006
9:30 am
When will it all stop?
Last night Rachel and I was talking about somethings that we were going through,and some deamons I was dealing with.I used to be able to look into the mirror for extended periods of time,that was until this past week I looked into the mirror and saw my father's eyes.I could see those monster's eyes looking at me and it was me.I think what all started it was realizing I had blacked out and I could have hurt the one person who means more than anything in this world.Last night I had a flashback and this time it was right in front of Rachel.Luckily for me she was able to calm me down.I think she's the only one in this sick ass world who knows how to calm me down.I feel a bit more relieved today than I have been in the past few weeks.

Current Mood: calm
Friday, August 11th, 2006
10:10 am
still feel the pain
I'm going through a big dilemma right now.I have 3 choices to make in my life right now and don't know where to turn.Should I move to Kansas,to Bangor or stay right here in Lewiston.The 2nd one is figuring out what I want in my life.The final one is should I continue to stick around and allow my heart to be more destroyed or should I stand up for my heart and say enough is enough.Yesterday I took 2000 mgs of seroquel and slept over 36 hours it felt nice to sleep for once.This fuckin world sucks.How can something be ordained by God but be destroyed by man?

Current Mood: confused
Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
9:33 am
can't get these thoughts out of my head
This is my 2nd day writing on here.It feels good to let things out,so thank you Rachel for setting this up for me.So,another day of restless nights.I tried falling asleep early but couldnt.There are just too many things running through my head.I was laying in bed last night and in my head I could hear my dad yelling at my little sister Mimi,and I can recall trying to figure out what was going on.I was told to stay out of it or I'd get mine as well,I stood back and I remember him taking a full swing at her and punching her right in the ear,she began to bleed so I flipped out and told him to stop and got punched as well.My step mother Carmen stepped in and yelled for him to stop and he punched her in the other ear.I looked at him and he had the eyes of Satan himself.That is just one of many horrible things that happened in my house.

Current Mood: angry
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